26 June 2011

Social sciences


Walaupun exam hanya tinggal beberapa hari, tapi hati masih belum tergerak untuk study betul-betul. Takut hati ni nak face exam toksah cakap, astaghfirullah. Takut betul. Sangat takut. Getar hati. Tak lena tidur.

Tapi itulah, memandangkan blog picisan ni dah bersawang, aku cuba untuk mengambil penyapu dan membuang sawang-sawang itu.

There is one thing that I can't stop thinking these days,apart from the exam of course. Although I am socially awkward to a point I was unable to start something as simple as 'how was the weather' in the past, I've always been a big fan of the social sciences. From my own experience, I've learned a lot and I am proud to say, I have grown a lot since the past two years. And I have my own stories to tell.

Sejak kecik aku bukan jenis yang bising-bising. Kalau my mother datang amek report kad kat sekolah, komen cikgu-cikgu mesti 'Fikri ni pendiam'. Dah macam tak ada ayat lain dah. 

So dah bila awkward dan rasa tak selesa dengan sekeliling, aku geng dengan orang-orang yang sama macam aku : socially awkward. Bukan yang jenis laju je kat padang, bukan yang jenis bising-bising bila cikgu mengajar kat depan. 

Masuk pulak kelas pandai, budak-budak laki ni mana tau nak belajar, main je la tau. So yang dapat masuk kelas pandai ni budak-budak nerd, budak-budak yang macam aku. we read books because we don't know what else to do. Bukanlah diorang ni jahat, cuma kami tak tau macam mana nak bawak diri. How to present ourselves.

Macam tu lah sampai form 3. So I didn't have a lot of friends, no I didn't. I've had a few loyal, great ones, but not as many. Masuk asrama pulak, kalau tak sebab wajib pakai nametag atau takut kena marah dengan senior, mana nak kenal satu batch. Kat rumah pulak abang-abang selalu buli for mainly one reason: I am not as huge of a football fan as they are.

"P*** ni pondan/bapok la tak minat bola"
"Orang yang tak minat bola ni perempuan la, so P*** ni perempuan la"

Imagine that kind of insult did to an already insecure 12 year-old boy.

Bila masuk asrama elokla sikit alhamdulillah, ada improvement. Sampai masuk first year of medical school kat Mesir, lingkung sosial aku masih kecil. Tapi bila hujung tahun tu aku jumpa seorang sahabat, nama tak akan disebut, yang secara tak langsung bawak aku keluar dari comfort zone. So dari sini aku mula lepak dengan orang-orang yang betul-betul berlawanan dengan aku: yang bising-bising, yang main bola, yang tengok bola, yang nampak betul-betul selesa dengan diri sendiri.

Sampailah sekarang, aku dah lama keluar dari comfort zone tu. Tak sangka betul dah lebih setahun dah. I am challenged socially on a daily basis. And what does challenge brings? 


Aku mula compare dua groups tadi : Group 1, yang socially awkward. Group 2, yang ada high level of confidence. Dua-dua group ni, ada banyak beza. Group 2 ada satu zon keselesaan yang amat tinggi dalam kalangan diorang. Jadi bentuk pergaulan pun berbeza. 

Contohnya dalam bentuk gurauan. Kita adat budak-budak melayu cara kita ada dua, satu perli memerli dan dua, lambung melambung pujiannya. Group 1 lebih kepada perli-memerli dan kurang lambung melambung, dan Group 2 pulak lebih kepada lambung melambung. Tahap keselesaan antara kawan-kawan pun berbeza. Group 1 ni agak awkward kalau nak gurau macam sayang menyayang ni (haha), tapi Group 2, bukanlah diorang ni gay tapi benda-benda tu bukan jadi masalah untuk diorang untuk dijadikan bahan gurauan.

Sampai ada orang cakap kat aku macam ni : Kau ni dah in a relationship, tapi kenapa macam gay je?

Aku jujur tak faham kenapa dia cakap macam tu. Mungkin dia jeles sebab tak ada orang (baca: perempuan) yang sanggup terima dia. Mungkinlah. By the way, yang cakap ni dari Group 1/bergaul dengan Group 1. Tapi biasanya, orang yang selalu cepat tuduh orang lain mencuri, dialah yang sebenarnya pencuri - pengajaran dari Lie To Me :)

Okay takmahu lari dari topik. Macam tu lah hidup, kalau dulu aku jenis yang sangat janggal dengan orang, sekarang alhamdulillah aku boleh berjalan dengan keyakinan diri. I can strut with confidence. Sekarang dah tak rasa aib bila orang tau that I am no a big football fan. Oklah, ramai jugak yang aku 'terkenal' lagipun :) Ramai orang yang aku dah kenal lama dah, tapi masa mula-mula kenal dulu punyalah awkward, tapi sekarang dah selesa yang teramat. Alhamdulillah.

sedang memberi ucapan sempena makan-makan division B. hehe

Tapi kenapa isu ni yang aku timbulkan? Sebabnya ada orang yang cakap macam kat atas tu : level of comfort dengan kawan-kawan yang sangat berbeza untuk dua jenis golongan yang berbeza. Seronok bila aku comparekan.

This is only what I can see through my own eyes. :)

17 June 2011


.A certain person came to the Friend's door
and knocked.
"Who's there?"
"It's me."
The Friend answered, "Go away.  There's no place
for raw meat at this table."

The individual went wandering for a year.
Nothing but the fire of separation
can change hypocrisy and ego. The person returned
completely cooked,
walked up and down in front of the Friend's house,
gently knocked.
"Who is it?"
"Please come in, my self,
there's no place in this house for two.
The doubled end of the thread is not what goes through
the eye of the needle.
It's a single-pointed, fined-down, thread end,
not a big ego-beast with baggage."


16 June 2011


Salam people.

Of the many short surahs in the Quran, surah al-Kaafiroon is definitely in the top ten of the easiest to read and memorize. The repetitions of verses, the persistence of seperating oneself from the practices of kufur, and of course, it is easy to be memorized since the verses are simply short.

That was one of the main theme in the chapter. We Muslims have our own way of serving God, and ours are in no way shall be equal to the unbelievers. One thing for sure, we Muslims NEVER insult our own religion. We don't talk about things that we have little understanding. We are taught to be silent if we have nothing good to say. Islamic matters are not to be toy with, and we take our Holy Quran seriously. We Muslims may argue with each other, we may have our differences either politically or practically, but what we definitely don't do is belittle God. Like this stupid  paper:

Utusan, You've done it again! You insulted Japan before, you attacked Islam on multiple occasions, you lied to public, you are being a dog. I wasn't very vocal about the decisions the government made before, but this is just crossing the line. What with the rise of the cost of everything from teh tarik to houses, what with stupid Lynas decision, what with the bannings of file sharing websites when porno sites were left untouched, what with public funds were used willy nilly I mean RM1.8 million to maintain facebook pages? There is a line, and this is crossing it by miles.

Akhbar rasmi kerajaan macam  Utusan tak sepatutnya buat kesilapan bodoh macam ni.

I am in no place to judge people, no you Utusan are not like the unbelievers,  I myself am not without sins. But a normal human being could not be this ignorant/stupid/insulting/just took the definition of biadap to a whole new level (sila pilih yang paling sesuai).

p/s: Harap-harap tak kena AUKU.

08 June 2011

Qismu el-Nafsiyya

Salam people.

Last Monday we went to the Psychiatric dept (Qismu e-nafsiyya) for clinical training. It was the first for all of us to be in the department, and it is kind of a relief not to have to see assholes being probed alive or to inspect a bloated belly with scratch marks all over for once, but obviously it was even more exciting for us to meet and discuss about mentally-challenged patients in a class. We were met with four different types of disorders, each differed greatly from each other.

Patient no.1 was bipolar, a young female around my age, started her symptoms about over a year ago after the death of a close relative. She didn't stop moving or speaking the entire session and as she was leaving us she tried to hit each of us on the face. And that was after 7 months of treatment, we were given to understand that she was way worse before. Honestly, on the outside she looked perfectly normal, albeit her ill manners.

Patient no.2 was schizophrenic. She was super paranoid so she didn't trust anyone, even the doctor. Her speech was slurred and her eyes were disoriented, and she claimed that she heard whispers that said bad things about her. She believed that her neighbour was out to get her intestine, whatever the hell that means haha.

Patient no.3 was catatonic schizophrenia (aku google kot nak eja camne benda ni), another female. She didn't have any expression on her face and when the nurse put her hand up towards the ceiling, she didn't let it down again for hours. 

Patient no.4 was my favourite. Now this one is a man, and like the first patient, he looked like a common 40 year-old Egyptian. He suffered from obsessive compulsive disorder or OCD. He was first became very obsessed with papers, wherever he saw them he will pick them up, but that was years ago. Today he loved to wear woman's clothes. I would've thought that he only had a sick fetish if I ever run into him on the streets, who knew he had a mental disorder kan kan kan.

Kalaulah boleh tangkap gambar sigh.

Okay, reaksi manusia biasa akan tertanya-tanya kenapa boleh jadi macam tu kat diorang, trauma apakah yang boleh menerbalikkan akal dari berfungsi seperti manusia normal? Tapi tak semua patient ada sejarah trauma, kadang-kadang penyakit ni genetic. 

Dalam medic penting untuk kita faham pathology dengan pathophysiology sesuatu penyakit tu, supaya ye lah tak kena dekat diri sendiri,a selfish trait naturally existing in our body. Kadang-kadang symptoms untuk penyakit tu dah lama ada cuma kita buat tak nampak dan kita memang tak faham.


Haritu ada lecture pasal depression, bila ingat balik kelakar pulak sebab kalau la ada dua kotak sebelah symptoms tu, satu kotak ya satu lagi tidak, majoriti aku boleh tick ya. Maybe I was exaggerating myself, maybe I was being a bitchy dramaqueen, I sincerily didn't know. Mungkin banyak buat salah kat orang so hati tak tenang. 

Hadith Qudsi: " Jika kamu datang kepadaKU secara berjalan, nescaya Aku datang kepadamu secara berlari. Jika kamu datang kepadaKU selangkah, Aku akan datang menghampirimu seribu langkah,"

Jadi sekarang dalam proses kembali kepada Tuhan. Ya Allah aku lupa nikmat tenang lepas baca al-Quran. Ya Allah aku lupa nikmat boleh sembang-sembang dengan Tuhan. Ya Allah aku lupa untuk bergantung dengan-Mu, patutlah rasa sangat lost dua tiga minggu ni, especially sejak ada problem yang aku sendiri timbulkan tapi tak reti nak selesaikan, naudzubillah.

Orang putih kata, behind every cloud there's a silver lining. To every problem there are hundreds of solutions for you to explore, especially for something as petty as this one.

"Ketahuilah hanya dengan mengingati Allah, hati akan menjadi tenang," [13:28]

02 June 2011


Salam people. 

Have been stalking profiles on Facebook, which landed me in a cheesy blog about facts regarding herself that I simply don't give a damn, which in turn landed be on Fynn Jamal's blog. I first heard her name when Yuna was on the rise in the local music scene with that excellent single of hers, Dan Sebenarnya.

And she received my full respect for her unique, bold and original way of writing. Most people won't stay long at her blog before hitting the X button, it was black and picture-less, but her writings were brilliantly beautiful. How I wish I can be as easy-on-the-keyboard as her.

There is this one paragraph that hit me though, as I was thinking about the same thing.
aku ambil satu perkara:
incest. atau dalam bahasa melayunya: sumbang mahram.
dari yang paling asas, hujah2 biasa--
salah secara total. dan hukuman terus pada sang haruan.

kenapa tidak kita pandang dari sudut lain, sekali sekala?
ada banyak yang akan kita jumpa.
1) emak yang hilang mampu memuaskan batin sang ayah.
2) anak perempuan yang tidak malu berkemban dalam rumah.
3) emak bapak terlalu mengongkong sehingga nafsu jadi terlalu membuak.
4) tikar solat tidak pernah dipaksa untuk diselak.
5) autosearch komputer bapak penuh sesawang porno.
6) pergaulan sesama keluarga yang terlalu terbuka dan sembrono.
I have always treasure the ability to think, especially to think away from social pressure. Most of us today, we give out opinion based on what other people want to hear. We hide the facts that is straying from society, we shy away from a blunt fact that may in fact be true.

Example : In my world there are two main groups of people, One, the religious wannabes and Two, the oh-I-am-cooler-than-you scumbags. They represent two different ideologies based on two different backgrounds. So, the huge difference between the two is highly understandable. Me? While I am far away from the first one, I am definitely not the other.

You might say that I am a little bit of an outcast, as I refuse to take sides.

Now, not everybody are truly belong to either of the group. Most of them are surrounded by the likes of themselves with the same view on things. So here the problem exists, our circle of comfort gets in our way of thinking. After all, it is easier to agree than to have unnecessary conflicts or healthy debates, for that matter. In the end it leads to the production of raw and extreme point of views.

The competitive nature of men, we shall do anything to keep our ego uphigh, even if it means menyalahgunakan nama Tuhan dan baginda rasul.

So you see, it is one thing for being able to understand, but it is another thing to be able to produce your own penny of thoughts regarding a matter while considering both the good and the bad facts. And while doing this, you do not let social pressure gets to you, you yourself should be able to have your own opinion free from the influence of others, especially what most people wants you to think. The truth is out there waiting for people to rediscover it.

The word empathy, many don't understand it, most of us just refused to do it.
It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. - Aristotle.
p/s : sedang menjalani senaman otak, sebab kepala dah beku.

01 June 2011

One Month

It's June 1st. For the last twenty years of my life the day will usually go unnoticed and forgotten as the day ends. If you check the calender there will be no official celebration or festivity that would make the day stands out from the other. Perhaps, next year's June 1st wouldn't be as different as it was since the last 20 years.

That was twenty years ago, twenty forgotten June 1st.

A month ago, I would have never thought that I could be this happy, this complete. There's this calm inside of me that I could not explain, a feeling confidence that whatever happens, there will be someone waiting for me. It all began with a simple crush that I didn't dare to let it develop. I was practically invisible, I have never considered myself to be good enough for anyone. You asked me when did all these started, well the truth is, I don't know. It may have existed for a long time before I gained enough courage to entertain the idea.

I didn't think that I wasn't good enough for you. And for most of the time, I still do.

But the past month has been the best month of my life. Sure, I have my ups and downs, some petty mistakes that turned into a collosal mess, but for the first time in my life, I have someone that I can share stories with without fear of being judged, I have someone that I don't regret making her worry because frankly, I want her to.

No, obviously I am not perfect. I am a body of flaws beyond what you can imagine, but you make me a better man, something I have been working on since the past 20 years of my life. You make me confident enough to make me strut like the king of the streets. You make be feel complete. And I hope despite the flaws beyond repair that is me,You would accept me for who I am till death do us apart.

One month is not a long time, but this One month that I can never have again will always be the best month of my life. 

Happy one month anniversary, Love.
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